Yesterday, I felt like shit, again. It was windy, I felt agitated, everything my boyfriend did irritated me, I freaked out about what is going to be next. My bills are coming up, how am I going to pay them? Do I still want to be doing the same job when all this is over? Is my son going to be ok? (He lives in France). I’m hopeless, all my little art projects don’t work today, I accidentally drill a hole in my hand with the drill while making jewelry. Shitty day.
But, today, I’m great, I went running, connected with nature, enjoyed making a healthy breakfast, the sun was shining and I did some creative work.
What happened?
In this period, I experience constant ups and downs. Fear for the future. Enjoyment of the present. Anguish over money. Trust in abundance. Missing people and interaction. Loving my alone time. Needing people. Delving into relationship with nature.
I feel like I’m bi-polar.
If I avoid self judgement and criticism and allow what is to be. I can simply take each day with peace in knowing that tomorrow may be different. That each moment is impermanent and that the rise and fall of emotions is normal. I recognize the thoughts that perpetrate my emotions.
I ask myself what thoughts are stimulating this irritation I’m having.
What is the story I’m telling myself?
What are the fears, needs, etc.. that are masking themselves as irritation with something outside of myself?
Yesterday after my shitty day. (Guess, that’s a judgement) But I’m not perfect. (Pheww, that’s a relief)
I ran into the fields near my home. I asked myself to be drawn to an element of nature that would mirror what’s going on inside of myself.
I ran into the remnants of an old tree and when I stopped to be with him. I found myself crying.
I allowed myself to go in that space, touch old oak tree, move around the space, explore, move, dance and let words arise to my tongue.
I recognized the transformation of time, the impermanence, life dying that offers nourishment to other insects and life forms through his decaying body .
And somehow, I found myself in this recognition of the transition of all things and the transformation.
This is a time of turbulence, a time of silence, a time of transformation, a time of churning, questioning, dying and living in a completely new framework.
What’s happening inside me is ok. I also am transforming with the spring, with the cycles of life, with the cycles of the sun. And it’s ok.
I thank nature often for being my guide.
One thing I make a necessary is finding a moment daily of connecting to nature without and nature within.
I know some of you are in the city and don’t have the same surroundings. But I wonder, if there is a way in the city, in an apartment, to connect to the Earth.
I’m curious to know what you do to connect to nature, our nature, our earth, our eco system?